Posts Tagged ‘2014 in Driving Values’

Aaron BThe following letter was written by Aaron B., a graduate of PEP.

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I was broken.

I was lost, far more than anyone I’ve ever known. I was not subject to a neglectful childhood; it was a life in which we did not want; not even a life light and with happy memories. I was a young man who could not stand the sight of others, would not listen to the wisdom of elders and refused to accept the good that life had to offer. I saw the world as broken and empty and made my decisions based on the idea that I could not do as much damage to the world as it had already done to itself; done to me. I accepted that I was stained and bad and that I would never be good enough to entertain the simple joys and pleasures of my family and friends.

I was unworthy.

I would not acknowledge my mistakes yet accepted them as part of life. I decided that there was no need to be better. I made choices that put me in places that I didn’t want to be, but understood that, because of how dark I was inside, my prison had no walls that I could scale, nor chains that I could break. I forfeited my rights, I forfeited my chance, and I forfeited everything that my family and friends had offered to me, yet I felt so little.

I was a creature lacking willpower.

I do not know what to say about how my life is, after participating in something like PEP. I cannot tell you where I would be otherwise or what I’d be doing. PEP did not change me, but it was there waiting to provide me a chance to change when I was ready. It is a long walk to go from wanting change in your life (because regardless of my acceptance of who I was I had decided that I would never go back into that place) and still accepting that your demons are a part of who you are and will always be there- and being able to wake up and not think that your darkness is overwhelming, to have positive, permanent change and be able to look yourself in the eye. My life was hard, and I was in prison, and I felt as though I was empty and lost.

My feelings were right.

But I have become a creature of willpower.

It is a struggle every day to decide that I am more than just the sadness and despair that once enveloped all I was. I work in a fantastic place, with fantastic people who make me feel appreciated. I have my own possessions, and can say that I am proud to take care of what is mine; to prove that things have some value to me, and it’s not destructive. I treasure those close to me, and some days are hard and it seems as though clouds cover all we do, but to feel true love for the people who are closest, and not have it tainted with the knowledge that we were doomed because of evils we cannot overcome is absolutely priceless. I cannot say that there are not dark days. I cannot say that some nights I don’t lay in the dark and wonder why I keep on fighting. I cannot say that the demons are not there, and that I do not still feel unworthy.

But I am more worthy than I was.

My prison was life. My prison was the overwhelming fear and self-hatred that comes with believing that every unthinking animal is better than you could ever be. The fears are still there. Now, though, my life has love that I can feel; that I can return. My life now has truth that I can hold dear. My life is not another day waiting for the dark to finally fall.

I have been broken.

But I am mending.

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www.PEP.org!

Read similar testimonials from other graduates here.